Dear Santa

I am writing this a bit early but your Facebook page says Always Open so here goes.

To paint the picture – I have been a very happy Stay At Home Dad for the last six years, since my treasure Ava snuck into our lives by surprise,14 years after our son Luke, my wing man and partner in crime.

Ava’s sixth birthday was fast approaching. My wife Jenna called a family meeting to announce that I was solely responsible for the party of the year. She said she didn’t want to know any details in advance and there was one very clear order – Don’t Stuff It Up - and Jenna slid an envelope across the table. A little incentive. Inside, two airline tickets to France and two tickets to the World Cup final, my name and Luke’s on the tickets. Well, Luke and I nearly wet ourselves with excitement, Santa. We would leave the day after Ava’s party.

Luke and I had a party meeting the next day. We presented our ideas to Ava, who instantly gave it a thumbs up as she loves wildlife. We were throwing an African-style petting zoo party. Luke works at a nearby conservation and rehab centre for wildlife where he is a handler on their birds of prey project – nothing dangerous and they offer these kind of educational events for younger kids. It was a brilliant idea. We live on the edge of a wetland so the setting was perfect.

Luke and I got to work at home, assessing the garden we could turn into a one-day zoo. Standing by the pool, we took one look at each other. “Don’t Stuff It Up?” said Luke, imitating his mother, thinking the same as me. I nodded in agreement, answering, “Pool cover. Pronto.” We certainly didn’t want to be watching the pool all day so I got online, ordered my safety cover in just a few clicks, and within days PowerPlastics Pool Covers had the pool totally secured with a PowerPlastics Solid Safety Cover.

Ava had one special request – a unicorn which I sourced from the local riding school that does kids' parties. Santa, the purple spray-painted glittery unicorn rocked up with a doozey of a cardboard horn that kept sliding down its nose as they’d just put a blob of sticky stuff on it. I couldn’t ask my daughter to ride something that looked like a long-legged underweight rhino in drag, so I got my industrial-strength double-sided tape out - uni-horn fixed.

Soon the party was underway and I couldn’t have been prouder of Luke and my efforts. Jenna was super impressed that I had managed to turn a sugar-laden kids' party into an educational event.

A cute little warthog mommy and its three babies stole the show. Such an effective lawn mower too – I might get them back for a trim. But the biggest surprise – literally – was the addition of a young ostrich that came with the rest of the beasties from Luke's work.

Then the mood began to shift … let's just say less petting zoo, more circus. The Vervet monkey made its way through a tray of cupcakes and got itself all high on sugar. It kept charging my dogs and I had to have a word with the handler before the monkey got its tail ripped off by two Ridgebacks.

Luke then started the highlight of the party – a falcon show. The big leather oven mit came out and several dead mice surreptitiously appeared, Luke being careful not to scare the kids, three of whom are already vegan and fragile.

But then the falcon noticed that my mother-in-law had brought her new Chihuahua puppy, which, I have to agree, did look a bit like the falcon’s training bait. Just as I saw it and was about to shout a warning to Luke, the falcon got in there. Although still attached to Luke, the line was long enough for the falcon to take flight, swoop in for the kill and get a good few feet in the air, the most awful screeching sounds wafting down from the claws of death, mother in law wailing and screeching in unison.

The commotion set the unicorn off and it began to buck wildly. Then the ostrich took fright. Our fencing is way taller than the ostrich and it shouldn’t be able to fly anyway but a frightened ostrich can certainly jump an impressive height. It headed next door where apparently it jumped in Bertus' pool.

Then the smelly llama decided to snack on the corner of my brand new pool cover while everyone watched the bird and puppy show. It made a fair size hole in it. It then showed the warthogs where to eat the cover too.

Luke was able to get the puppy out of the killer claws, just. I then caught sight of my wife running inside. At first, I thought she was having a seizure her shoulders were shaking so hard and I was sure we had stuffed it up and France was off, but actually she was laughing her head off and had to hide from her mother.

The swimming ostrich's handler returned from next door with one chastised big bird on a leash. Not far behind was a police car and the local SPCA inspector who was responding to a call from concerned citizens. Once the authorities had declared the scene as nothing more than a father epic-failing at a kid's birthday party, things began to wind down.

That night we had a post-party meeting and YES, we ARE going to France!! The envelope of Springboks was ceremoniously handed to me and Luke after Jenna asked Ava to make the final decision. Ava said hell yes, best party ever, already all over TikTok and she would trend on social media for at least 18 ½ hours. High praise.

Santa, I am a happy man, writing this mail from 30 000 feet in the air, safe from my mother in law (her puppy didn’t make it. Shock.) But I have a few small requests..

Bertus, my neighbour, does not see the humour in an ostrich taking a dip in his swimming pool. Because I love my own safety cover so much and it has already saved me a considerable amount on water, electricity and chemicals never mind preventing drownings at the Cirque du Winelands, perhaps we can also get Bertus a safety cover from PowerPlastics Pool Covers?

Mother-in-law needs a new puppy and please send her a safety cover too, to stop doggie drowning and prevent me from having more canine blood on my hands. Please also log a request for a repair to my cover.

But most importantly, for my wife, please direct me to the very best French perfumes, leather handbags (Ostrich maybe?) and other luxury goods in Duty Free. I really do have an outstanding wife with an exceptional sense of humor.

Best wishes,

Frankie

Dear Frankly

At first I hated the sound of your petting zoo but then I saw the education in it (albeit hiding behind the drama). I applaud your animal welfare efforts. But double-sided tape on the unicorn? Do you know they still haven’t gotten that horn off it? Last I knew they were trying some kind of animal-friendly paint solvent and the unicorn has a nasty rash.

Pool cover for Bertus – ordered. Good choice.

Mother in law sorted too. A Boxer puppy to be delivered in time for the holidays. Now that’s a proper dog.

While I was online, I ordered a replacement safety cover for you. Such an easy process and it was half the price of a new cover.

Your Jenna is a gem. Don't stuff it up.

Love Santa.

Dear Santa

I write from 30 000 feet going the other way, home.

I have the best wife ever, sitting next to me. There we were, Luke and I wearing as much green and gold as humanly possible, taking our seats at the World Cup final in France when who should sit down in two empty seats next to us? Jenna and Ava. Wife and daughter. Mine! Seems all along Jenna planned for us to go to the WC final as a family. An early family Christmas pressie. She and Ava were on the flight behind Luke and I. She doesn’t Faff about, my Jenna. And young Ava sure can keep a secret!

My world is rich with family and Springboks. All I ask now is for my mother in law to be in a better mood by the time we land.

Bestest

Frankie

Make this the summer you got safe,

the summer you got covered.

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